The feminist movement did not have as much to do with it as did the move towards industrialization. And father did not get custody of children under the age of 7. Remember, in previous centuries, fathers did not work away from home, in general. There was the family farm, or the family business, and the children were needed to work them, but all that changed with the growth of factories.
Families left the farm, moved to the cities, and dad went to work in the factories. It was no longer necessary for him to have custody of the older children to work the farm. And, he no longer had the time to care for the children, after working long hours in the factory. Yes, the women’s movement took advantage of this, but that did not happen until well into the 1900’s.
As for joint physical custody, the best arrangement is bird nesting. The children are kept in one home, and each parent lives in the home for 3-6 months, then they switch. They pay their own expenses while in the home. The children are the least bothered by their parents divorce. They keep their own friends, bedroom, school, etc.
I do not know how old your kids are and what you are fighting for. Me, my two girls are 11 and 15. So I only would have to support them another 8 years. However – their ‘little’ psychies’ will be screwed up for life. I am not accepting the blame. I now choose to live MY life WITH or WITHOUT them. right now I say to hell with the LAW because there is none.
I hope that soon and very soon that this whole mess becomes so blatantly screwed up that everyone will be frightened to get married, frightened to fall in love and frightened to do anything. I guess you have to decide – when do you give up —– now I know all of you will say that you won’t. I applaud that especially if the children are under the age 10 as the older they get, the more they have to accept that life isn’t fair. For those of you fathers who have young ones – fight – fight hard NOT FOR YOUR RIGHTS but the CHILD’S RIGHTS.
SCREW ANYONE who stands in that way be they government , father or mother. Fight like hell for the child
I would join in a hearts beat (and I don’t have many of those left). The real ironic thing is that at one time in this great nation of ours.
The father had custody of the children regardless. The feminist movement came in and screwed that up. We men allowed ourselves this to happen. The courts capitalized on a way to neutralize the family and we all have stereotypical ideas of what a women should do and what a man should do. If the children are old enough they can actually sue both parents. They can do it now and they can do it when they are older. People say that we have made divorce to easy. Quite frankly we have made getting married and having babies too easy.
Get rid of ‘custody’ issues and raising kids by the kids stay with one parent six months (too bad what kind of living arrangements they are in). The second six months with the other parent. No money given to the courts, no money given to children and no money given to anyone. If you have a child you are responsible and you must do your best for the child and you must to do for yourself.
A journal is a good idea for everyone here but don’t use it just to keep track of the wife’s screw-ups. Keep a diary of EVERYTHING.
Because when you happily whip out your log of her screw-ups, she will respond with a litany of all her good qualities. You need to address the pros and cons for BOTH OF YOU. Be honest and the court will pay more attention to you than if you use the log with the attitude that your s$%# doesn’t smell (pardon my french).
I keep track of how both of us interact with my daughter (which is easy – my soon-to-be-ex doesn’t do anything). I note factors that may have a bearing on why we did or did not do something. I write in it about once every 3 days in pen (which seems to have more credibility than if you type it in the computer).
You should have left and called the police. Also, you should consider not going there alone.
Have someone go with you, with a video camera, if possible. They could go in a separate car and monitor without your ex knowing.
You might also consider a neutral drop off point for future exchanges, to avoid these type of problems. Most important, you should document all contact with her, and any lovers, for future reference if it goes to court.
Keep a journal, carry a micro recorder, and/or have witnesses.
The fragmentation of the fathers’ groups is a major problem, but so is greedy. When I stepped into the National Congress for Fathers & Children in 1991, there was not much to them. They only brought in $6000 in donations. By 1996 I had them up to over $300,000, but they became a target of greed.
Now they are back to where they were in 91, and I have been asked to come back in and fix the problems, which I am doing. It may sound shallow, but my plan in 96 was to overwhelm all the other fathers group, and finally bring them under one banner. Just as NOW did in the early 60’s with all the different women’s groups. Simply put, we would show that had the contacts, the resources, and the materials to help fathers.
We had a full time office with our own printing facilities, but I made the mistake of trusting people to be honest. It was a major mistake. Had I not made it, NCFC would now be larger then NOW. And it may be again one day, with some hard work, and a little luck. The main thing is that the manual gets distributed. It has everything needed by divorced and single fathers. It is unfortunate that I can’t just release it for free, but the legal nature of the material leaves everyone connected with its creation open to lawsuits by the Bar Association if I did. They have already tried twice to stop it’s distribution. Though it has been five years since they last tried. Nothing changed. The only improvement is that there are fast no teletrack loans accessible from companies like www.withnoteletrack.com – a great help in times of financial need.
NCFC can, and will be the main group in the country if I have anything to do with it. But, it will not be so that someone can get rich off of it, or put themselves on a pedistal, but because we can provide what fathers need.
Part of the problem of being heard in congress is the lack of cooperation between the different father’s groups in the US, or when one is very successful, they become a target of greed, as happened with the National Congress for Fathers & Children in 1996. Until the different groups become one working unit, there will not be much attention paid to father issues in Congress.
The women’s movement had the same problem in the early days, by NOW simply overwhelmed all the smaller groups, and forced them into becoming a working unit.
As for dealing with the courts, it takes knowledge to win there. And there are ways to do that. Having persons going to court with you as “Court Watchers” is one way. They sit where they can be seen by the judge and take notes. I have a form just for that purpose. The judge knows that if he makes rulings that are bias, the court watchers can be used to have him removed.
I am involved in child custody&support litigation. Due to lack of financial resources, I am forced to work pro se. I have spent many hours online and in law libraries. The frustration that I am coming up against is the fact that all the legal guidelines and advice is addressed to the Petitioner(a.k.a “the mother”)!! As a the Respondent (a.k.a “The Father”), I am finding it of little value (except as a warning to what I am up against).
Can anyone out there help point me to resources that are useful to the respondent who is working pro se?
You are right, there is no justice in the family court system.. The hardest part to believe is that NO ONE HAS ORGANIZED ANYTHING EFFECTIVE to stop these bullies…
Why are there only little demonstrations and not one day spent with representation in Congress or wherever they decide our fates?
It looks like we can mail our reps till our hands fall off and still nothing has happened. No this is not a rant, this is a call to all to get it together and fight the system, without fighting all the little troops they have put in our way.
Who knows who it is we MUST reAch to have these laws overturned? Is there any one person or committee responsible for this?
God be with you and your family…. you will pull through.
On 4/29/16 I returned my kids to their mother after a 2 day visitation, upon arrival my daughter ran in the house and then immediately back out to me. She informed me her moms new friend was there and she didn’t want me to leave her there while he was there.
I suggested to my ex that I will take daughter for awhile longer, but she loudly yelled at me “your visitation is over”. Her friend heard her and came outside and began verbally threatening me while my 2 kids watched. I told them my daughter didn’t feel safe with him.
Her lover was yelling at me while I told him to stay out of our parental conference and at that he struck me in the face, I immediately grabbed him and threw him to the ground. I left immediately and phoned her, she stated that she called the police and they were going to arrest me for assault against her lover.
I never struck him at all, this lover has been telling my kids what a loser I am and how he is going to be their new DAD and to never mention my name in his presence. I am now afraid to go even near her residence and also concerned of this lover who is out of control!
He only had that capacity because he was a computer consultant regarding the Y2k computer business. You dont have to be a rocket scientist to see that the “job” and the “money” ends with the new millennium. It is obvious that he has always tried to pay the ex what he could even though he’s now unemployed and himself living in poverty. His former wife is not broke. She’s living quite luxuriously… she stole tens of thousands and hid it in various accounts to which my husband never had access to nor knowledge of. Also last October, the judge took my husbands “final” pay check and gave it to the witch…
Leaving him with no money, all of the bills, and no job. what the heck is that? How does that benefit his 12 year old daughter? She was supposed to visit here during spring break last month but guess what?… no money to pay for it. Are men nothing more than wallets? Is it ok that because of the court system the child cannot spend time with the NCP?
“I” am paying the witch with my own money from a loan I took out, for God’s sake! Today My husband was told by the Friend Of the Court that he had to appear in court on the 19th of May or there would be a bench warrant. He has no means to travel to Michigan from Florida, he has no representation because we dont even have money for food, and they are threatening to put him in jail which they will surely do if he shows up there. What can we do??!! How is he supposed to find work to pay support from jail?
About the bankruptcy.. He can file, the thing is that if he does and the creditors go after his ex wife (and they will) the amount will be added to his Spousal support… and he still will owe what bankruptcy is supposed to eliminate. Sorta defeats the purpose. I guess the fact that ALL of those bills were HERS in the first place is what’s so sickening. There is no justice in the justice system.
Your husband’s child support is based upon his earning capacity and not his current income level – that’s a little trick that many judges employ if they suspect the noncustodial parent is trying to avoid child support but taking low paying jobs – there was a famous case in New York a couple of years ago. In that case, the wealthy father went into debt and even took a job selling Mary Kay.
If you want to overturn the property allocation, you have to prove fraud – alleging it won’t get you past the initial pleading.
Check with a bankruptcy attorney about the constitutionality of the bankruptcy clause. I’ve never heard of that one – a good bankruptcy attorney may have an opinion on its legality.
I wish my husband (we recently married) had known this before his court date. The judge was prejudiced against him from the beginning and even the attorneys and the mediator said “the judge does not like you.”
There were numerous false accusations and manipulations by his wife, including theft and hiding tens of thousands of dollars for which she never had to account for… He ended up having to give her cash (10k)in the end and he got ALL of the bills from her cash advancing/maxing out several credit cards, and the tax bills over 40k (money she stole from the business account).
His credit is shot. He had a job change just before his divorce was final (2/4/10) (He had a well paying Y2K computer related job which of course ended before this year)He went from 250k a year to 80k a year last December… and the judge knew for over a year that this would be happening.
He made the child support and spousal support based on his prior salary. We have lost a boat, a motor home, and the car is going soon. The judge put in a bankruptcy clause so that is not an option. We are literally living in poverty while the ex is not working and getting 3,500.00 a month in support for herself and daughter.
My two boys go without lunch at school because there is no money. I have had the phone disconnected for non payment, creditors constantly calling. My husband just got laid off and now the “Friend of the court” is taking him to court next month for contempt because we are unemployed and too broke to pay support.
I took out a large loan recently to pay for our food and his child support because my husband now has bad credit. That is almost gone already. How can this be legal??? Is there anything that can be done? The divorce took place in Michigan but we had to move to Florida a year ago to find work that payed enough to support the former wife. He’s already over 10k in arrears. obviously it is impossible to pay the ordered amount even if he were still working to the tune of 80k and with all of the debt.
Legal RAPE is what it is! Not to mention unconstitutional. Does anyone know of anything we can do??? What happened to community property states?
I do not know if this will help but in some states, once the attorney takes a case and appears in court, the attorney cannot get out of the case without the permission of the judge. And, until the judge grants that permission, the attorney has to represent the client to the best of his or her abilities. In your instance, that would mean that the attorney has to continue representing your husband until the judge has granted a MOTION TO WITHDRAW.
Sometimes an attorney attempts to enter a limited appearance for 1 hearing or so but in Connecticut that is generally not permitted in divorce.
What you need to do is find out what the rules are in your state governing the attorney/client relationship. You can start with the local bar association. There may also be INFOLINES listed in the telephone book. The local COURT CLERKS office may be able to direct you to the section of the LOCAL RULES OF CIVIL PROCEDURE or you could go to the LAW LIBRARY and ask the reference librarian to assist you. In the latter two instances, a personal appeal works a lot better than a telephone call.
You might want to check to see if your state has a GRIEVANCE COMMITTEE charged with investigating complaints of unethical conduct by attorneys. They might have an opinion on this.
I talked to my better half and this is what she had to say on the matter. It’s not much due to the attorneys not being in today but it may point you in the right direction!
It sounds like this couple needs to get a new attorney asap. No attorneys are here today, so I don’t have anyone to ask.
My suggestion is that she may want to try calling or going by the Courthouse and asking if they have a form of the pleading she needs to file. If they do, then they should probably fill it out and try and file it. As for the bar – it probably wouldn’t hurt either calling them or writing them. I would suggest calling them. Her main focus should be to try and fet the modification filed.
Also, she can try calling other attorneys in her area to see what they suggest. I hope this helps. Let me know if she responds.